4 girls

KAFAMIZA GÖRE/AFTER OUR’ OWN HEART

KAFAMIZA GÖRE/AFTER OUR’ OWN HEART

           Tesettüre girmeyi tercih ettiğimde on bir yaşındaydım.‘O yaşta kendin tercih etmemişsindir.’ diyenleri duyar gibiyim.Tıpkı o zamanlar duyduğum gibi.

When i decided to wearing hijab i was eleven. I seem to hear the people who say you can not be the one, decided to wear it, in that age. As i heard in that times.

Çocukluğum boyunca yaşıtlarımdan daha uzun daha kalıplıydım.Belki de hala öyle sayılıyor olabilirim.Gelişmiş görünmemi bahane olarak gösteren bazı insanlar neden hala tesettüre girmediğimi sorgulamaya başlamışlardı.Ben de bir yandan neden girmem gerektiğini.Bşımı kapatarak okula gitmeye başladığımda orta okul birinci sınıf öğrencisiydim.Bunu baskıyla ya da zorlamayla yapmamış olmak  bana hala kendimi mutlu hissettiriyor.

I was more taller and bodied than my coevals. Maybe i have still been accepted as in the past. Some people who were alleging my bodied appearange, started to asking about why am i not started to wearing hijab. On the other hand i started to think about why should i wear it. I was in the first class of the middle school when i started to g oto school wearing hijab. Starting to wear it without any press and force is still makes me happy.

Neden başını örtmüyorsun diyenler yerini hızla bu yaşta bu ne yobazlık diyenlere bırakmaya başlamıştı bile.

The people saying what a fanacticim in that age has already started to takes place of the people asking why dont you cover your hair.

O yaştaki benin sadece tesettüre girmiş olması belli bir kesimi tatmin etmedi.Bu seferde neden pantolon giydiğimi sorgulamaya devam etmişlerdi oysa çocukluğumda annem pardesü giydiği için oyuna alınmayan ben değilmiydim.Pantolon giyiyorum diye beni sorgulayanlarla annem pardesü giyiyor diye beni oyuna almayanlar farklı insanlar olabilirmiydi?Elbette hayır.

Started to wearing hijab in that age, didnt satisfy some people. They proceed to query why am i wearing trousers yet i was also the one who were not being accepted to the games because of the topcoat my mother wears. Were they different people who were querying my trousers and who didn’t accept me to their games because of the topcoat my mother wears? Ofcouse not.

Yaşım ilerledikçe düşüncelerimde olan değişim giyim tarzıma,konuşmama,yaşantıma ,oturup kalkmama toplum içinde duruşuma kadar her şeye yansımıştı.E doğal olanı da bu değil miydi zaten?Fakat hangi doğal olan normal karşılanmıştı ki?

With the increasing in my age, the changes in my ideas reberated to everthing in my life till; my wearing style, my talking, my life, my stance in public. Wasn’t it was the naturel one? But which natural thing was seen as normal?

Üniversite birinci sınıftayken ‘ferace’adı verilen siyah bir pardesü giymeye başlamıştım. Tesettür şeklim biraz daha değişmişti.Artık pantolon da giymiyordum.Yaşımda tesettüre girebileceğim uygunluğa gelmişti.Elbette tüm bu faktörlerle tatmin olmayan insanlar yine vardı.Bu insanları bir başkasının hayatında bu kadar söz sahibi olabileceğine inandıran neydi?

I started to wear a black dress which is calling as ‘’ferace’’ in the first class of my university. My hijab style was changed a little bit. I didn’t wear trousers no longer. My age was also okay to wear hijab. Of course, there were some people who were not satisfied by all this factors. What was the thing make the people having right to meedle one’s life in that much?

Bu yaşta böyle karalara bürünmek bana hiç yakışmamıştı.Erkek arakadaşlarımla dışarda bir ortamda görünmem tam bir felaketti.Nasıl onlarla oturup kalakardım?Bu nasıl bir arsızlıkt?

It didn’t suit me to covering myself with black in that age. It was a disaster for me to be seemed with my male friends in somewhere. How can i spend time with them? What a shamelessness is this?

Zaman ilerledikçe ben değişmeye devam ettim.Ferace yerine daha etnik desenler daha maskülen kıyafetler kullanmaya başladım.Bu seferde hiç ‘kapalı’ bir BAYANA yakışmıyordu bu giydiklerim.O neydi erkek çocuğu gibi,yaşım kaç olmuştu biraz kadınsı giyinmeliydim.Kahkahalarla gülmemeliydim. Otobüste,metroda dolmuşta bacakalrını ayırarak oturanlardan,arkadan kendini hissettirmeye çalışanlardanrahatsız olduğumu belirtmekte benim suçumdu.Bide üstüne kapalıydım.Ne kadar art niyetliydim.Otobüste beni ellediğini hssettiğim adamdan önce sessizce uzaklaşmaya çalışmış sonra etkili olmayınca öfkeme yenik düşüp yumruk atmıştım.’Ay bu ne terbiyesizlik insan önce bi uyarır.’diyende,ben uyardığımda ‘Ne kadar art niyetlisin bi de başörtülü olacaksın’ diyenler aynı insanlar değilmiydi?

As the time progressed by i continued to change. I started to use more etnichal and masculine clothes instead of ferace. And at that time, it was not suitable for a woman wearing a head scarf. Why is she wearing as a male, how old is she? I should wear more femine clothes. I should’t laugh raucously. It was also my blame indicatin to be uncomfortable from the people who sit astraddle in metro, public busses and etc. How evil-minded i am. I tried to go away from a man touching at me on the bus, but when it didn’t work, i couldn’t compose myself and i punched the man. Weren’t they the same people who say ‘’What a shameless, you should have warned firstly.’’ And the people who were say ‘’ How devil-minded you are.’’ when i warned the man?

Bu toplum bizi bize hiç bırakmadı.Şort giydik tekmelediler.Tesettüre girdik okullara almadılar.Kahkaha attık hafif meşrep dediler.Tecavüz edip o saate dışarda ne işi var dediler,gündüz vakti kapıyı kırıp tecavüz etmekten de geri durmadılar.Üniversiteye gitmedik cahil dediler,gittik kız kısmının yeri evidir ne işine yarıyosun da okuyosun dediler.

This society never leave us to ourself. We weared short they kicked. We weared hijab they didn’t accept us to school. We laughed they said what a wanton. They raped and they asked what she were doing in outside in that late. They broked the doors and raped in broad daylight. We didn’t start to university they said illiterate, we started they said what the girl is doing in university her place is her home.

Bu ülke de bütün suçların günahkarı olarak gösterebildiğiniz biz kadınlar durmamaya kararlıyız. Siz isteseniz de istemeseniz de hayatın tam da için de sizin istediğniz gibi değil bizim istediğimiz gibi.Kafanıza değil kafamıza göre…

As the women who were being showed as evil-doer, we are decisive to not to stop. Whether you want or not, we will continue to be on the middle of the daily life. Not after your’s own heart, after our’s own heart…

When i decided to wearing hijab i was eleven. I seem to hear the people who say you can not be the one, decided to wear it, in that age. As i heard in that times.

I was more taller and bodied than my coevals. Maybe i have still been accepted as in the past. Some people who were alleging my bodied appearange, started to asking about why am i not started to wearing hijab. On the other hand i started to think about why should i wear it. I was in the first class of the middle school when i started to g oto school wearing hijab. Starting to wear it without any press and force is still makes me happy.

The people saying what a fanacticim in that age has already started to takes place of the people asking why dont you cover your hair.

Started to wearing hijab in that age, didnt satisfy some people. They proceed to query why am i wearing trousers yet i was also the one who were not being accepted to the games because of the topcoat my mother wears. Were they different people who were querying my trousers and who didn’t accept me to their games because of the topcoat my mother wears? Ofcouse not.

With the increasing in my age, the changes in my ideas reberated to everthing in my life till; my wearing style, my talking, my life, my stance in public. Wasn’t it was the naturel one? But which natural thing was seen as normal?

I started to wear a black dress which is calling as ‘’ferace’’ in the first class of my university. My hijab style was changed a little bit. I didn’t wear trousers no longer. My age was also okay to wear hijab. Of course, there were some people who were not satisfied by all this factors. What was the thing make the people having right to meedle one’s life in that much?

It didn’t suit met o covering myself with black in that age. It was a disaster for me to be seemed with my male friends in somewhere. How can i spend time with them? What a shamelessness is this?

As the time progressed by i continued to change. I started to use more ethical and masculine clothes instead of ferace. And at that time, it was not suitable for a woman wearing a head scarf. Why is she wearing as a male, how old is she? I should wear more feminine clothes. I should’t laugh raucously. It was also my blame indicating to be uncomfortable from the people who sit astraddle in metro, public busses and etc. How evil-minded i am. I tried to go away from a man touching at me on the bus, but when it didn’t work, i couldn’t compose myself and i punched the man. Weren’t they the same people who say ‘’What a shameless, you should have warned firstly.’’ And the people who were say ‘’ How devil-minded you are.’’ when i warned the man?

This society never leave us to ourself. We weared short they kicked. We weared hijab they didn’t accept us to school. We laughed they said what a wanton. They raped and they asked what she were doing in outside in that late. They broked the doors and raped in broad daylight. We didn’t start to university they said illiterate, we started they said what the girl is doing in university her place is her home.

As the women who were being showed as evil-doer, we are decisive to not to stop. Whether you want or not, we will continue to be on the middle of the daily life. Not after your’s own heart, after our’s own heart…

 

 



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